This poem is dedicated to all the black people who needlessly lost their lives at the hands of police Breonna Taylor Regis Korchinski-Paquet Ahmaud Arbery George Floyd Tony Mcdade And everyone that didn't have a video, or news coverage, or someone to fight for them. And everyone who protested peacefully and was met with violence. We shouldn't have to tell them, this shouldn't be an argument, or up for debate, black lives matter, black people deserve better. I'm tired of asking for justice when there was no need for violence. Fear.
Walking past a man in uniform sworn to protect the world from your body Your body, which is different from his body Too different to be considered safe They told me to go to the police station and I hesitated Because, who would believe the mixed queer boy and the Asian girl when they say that a white man is dangerous? When my body is the loaded gun? It doubles as target practice An arrow stuck tight in every bullseye I wonder often if I'm too dangerous Black. Latinx. Queer. Trans. Wonder how to juggle a body so radioactive Scared to let anyone touch it for fear of knights who slay monsters I am a poisonous flower that just wishes to be beautiful Corrupting waters so deeply that I starve myself of even tears Too numb to cry because it doesn't stop so I fear that I won't stop Black bodies won't stop hitting pavement Trans bodies never remembered Queer bodies asking for the violence I am in a garden that I never asked to be in Where everyday, blind men trim at us mistaking our colours for weeds Fear is almost acceptance to me Almost a question of not if it will be me but when it will be me Of course Of if they'll say my name right that day I dress for rallies like dressing for my own funeral Accepting that I might not come home but hoping that it means something I talk to cops like I'd barter with the reaper, watching the chess pieces close in on me I drive home and play the last song I ever wanna hear, text everyone I know that I love them but do not say that I'll be home because I accept that I might not be I don't correct the white boy on how to pronounce my name I don't correct the bigot on my pronouns I don't correct abulea when she pictures my wedding photos in hers Because I have been trained that my tongue is a gun That if I fire at the wrong person I end up shot I am poisonous Too poisonous to exist without fear of being cut down Too poisonous to not be considered a viper Too poisonous to let in the house How do you juggle a body so radioactive? How do you live with these targets on your back? Like the iridescent skin of a water snake telling them to cut off the head How do you cover them up? How do you hide your skin? My body was created a calling card for violence When your body is a weapon, how do you know peace? When existing is an act of rebellion A kiss a declaration of war Your name the war cry How do you get home? I watched the protesters march with guns and scream slavery and freedom and my body my choice I don't think they know what those things mean I noticed that none of them looked like me Noticed that they don't worry about the damage their tongues can do Notice that they don't have to accept That they can say”I'll be home soon.” I notice that They have no targets, only guns
0 Comments
5/3/2020 0 Comments YouTube and Witchcraft, It's The Little Things: Nico's Quarantine DIaries ENTRY 3Hey you guys, my name's Nico, I'm a Nineteen-year-old witch, and I never learned how to fucking read.
Runestones that is. Hi welcome back to my quarantine blog. It has been some time since I last made a post on here and I've felt a strong need to rectify that. Sorry for the radio silence but here's what I've been up too. Lately, I've been feeling really really bummed out about certain aspects of my career that I've been way too cowardly perfectionist to try or to continue, and since quarantine started I've been severely feeling that creative itch that wants to fix that. Most of you (I surely hope) probably do not know that I use to be a YouTuber, Since I was about thirteen I've had quite a few failed collabs and discontinued channels, series, and skits. Anyone who knows me knows that I'm an avid documenter, everything has to be filmed, written down, photographed, drawn, or tattooed onto my body so that I'll never forget it or the way it made me feel. I keep a lot of old photographs and diaries and videos stored away to go through whenever I want to remember something or I'm having a bad day or I want to see how much I've grown and changed over the years. So it only really seemed natural that I'd gravitate towards platforms like YouTube and Instagram. Youtube as wild as it is, has always been a safe space for me, I was the kid in 2009 that did nothing but watch cheesy skits, emo tutorials, Nightcore, and Parker Wale videos and to this day I like to keep my feed and playlists full of things that inspire me, comfort me, teach me something, or make me laugh. A lot of my journey as an artist and a queer person would maybe never started if not for certain videos that gave me the language to put towards myself and the things that I want and the knowledge that there were a lot of people out there like me, that is a feeling I've always wanted to give back so in 2013 or 2014 I started making videos with the intent to make people laugh and interact with other weird kids across the world. I did podcasts that may still be on the internet somewhere with people from my rp groups, I did collabs that are probably long deleted and I couldn't tell you the names of, and I had no joke like seven personal youtube channels, the people who've known me the longest will remember all my new channel announcements and little skits that came and went on Facebook through the years. A lot of things have changed with me since I last got very serious about creating videos and I'm almost not sure if that's better or worse. I'm a much healthier and happier person now, but I feel like the 13-year-old making videos at 7am on their iPad in the bathroom for the best possible lighting had a lot of fearlessness that even they didn't see, there was pretty much no shame at that point, and I'm not sure if it's the bigger possibility now that those videos will be seen by more people than just my close circle, or if now away from the era of shitty webcam videos, cheesy sketches, and bad wigs there just feels like there's more pressure to make "professional" looking mature videos. Either way, I've found it difficult to start and after some careful conversation with myself, some very tell it like it is runes, video calling my therapist, and actually watching some of the old videos I love, I've come to the realization, I forgot why I started doing YouTube in the first place. I quite like shitty webcam videos and sit-downs with no real direction but to talk about something and at the core of why I started all those channels and left all those collabs, I was never trying to make the best quality most well-scripted, perfect videos. I made videos that I like, because I love making videos. In my last therapy session, we talked about how I've been looking at things from a practical standpoint that I should be looking at through a creative lens and therein lies the issue. There is no practical way to create, and you can make a video look amazingly professional, but it still sucks if there's no passion or creativity whereas some of my absolute favourite videos are from a practical standpoint teeeerrribly edited, the lighting is way more than off and the editing is blunt but they're creative and they're funny and whoever made them was having a great time. I could learn a lot from that tiny me who felt so much motivation that they woke up at 5am just to get the best light and the quietest background, scheduled things around recording and editing time, and put out any video they wanted regardless of what other people may think of it because they were genuinely that excited about what they were doing. With all that said, I'm gonna start making videos, there are a couple up on my channel now (NicoStiles) and I have a few in the recording and editing stages. I plan to do videos about just about anything I like to do so song covers, dance videos, comedy, skits, tutorials, fashion, makeup, art, vlogs, booktube, reviews, challenges, the possibilities are endless and I promise you guys and myself to be really genuine and continue to make videos at least semi consistently, don't worry I have some friends who won't let me live it down if I don't and won't stop telling people "Nico's gonna be a youtuber!" Another subject I want to make videos about is something very close to my heart and soul, witchcraft. As some of you probably know, yesterday was Beltane, a holiday celebrating the coming summer months and new life, and this holiday has cheered me up so much during these unpredictable and shitty corona times. I did my first Instagram live (follow me for next time NicoxVazquez), I did two really fun makeup looks, I started sketching again, I watched a lot of YouTube and I was genuinely the happiest I've been all quarantine. The eve of the holiday I received some rune stones in the mail that I cleansed during the night so they were ready to do some of my first readings during the holiday, now, I don't wanna go into it too much because I will be making a video on this soon, for those of you who do not know though, I'm a Pagan Witch. So I celebrate all the holidays on the year wheel and yes that does mean spells and gods and potions, but it really isn't much like the fantastical portrayal of witches you find in a lot of media, really it's more having too many crystals and picking up random rocks you find on walks and getting very excited about the moon. I'll be posting on Instagram when that video goes up and it will be a much more in depth talk about my practices and belief system personally. Back to runes though, I read a book when I was younger called The Forbidden Game by L.J. Smith and the book was fiction but in it they talked about Norse runes pretty damn accurately and often because they were a big part of the plot, to this day that is one of my favrouite books ever and after I stopped reading it (over and over and over within a week) I needed to know everything about these crazy interesting symbols and the meanings behind them. So for the past eight years I've been learning about runes and drawn to anything rune related even in less than accurate fiction (looking at you Shadowhunters) and I've been a practicing witch for about five years, so honestly I'm pretty surprised I have never purchased my own set of rune stones or looked into how to actually read them up until now. So far I've learned the basics, runes are an old form of Divination (reading the future sort of like tarot) they give advice and they are read in many different ways, much like most aspects of witchcraft, there doesn't seem to be much of a right or wrong way to read runes and I've been having fun trying to find what works for me. I may do a video here soon with all my information and how I've been doing it once I feel more settled but I've so far found that all my research has paid off and my instincts with magick are pretty sharp, so I've gotten fairly comfortable and felt pretty bonded with my rune stones after the holiday even though I've only had them for a short period of time. I put a lot of thought and care into making sure I was purchasing ones I felt I would feel connected too very easily and sort of vibe with. It's been nice to try something I've been interested in for so long and very comforting, my book of shadows I'm sure enjoys the new information and more consistent use aswell. It really does seem to be the little things making this quarantine more bearable, especially since I've been having trouble getting into reading any books lately, If you can even believe it, I've not really read at all in the past couple weeks and only just started reading a book yesterday (Adam's Journal by E.C Flickinger) but that bit of reading got me listening to some old Blink-182 and other alternative and metal songs that I haven't heard in awhile just because in my eyes the main protagonist is definitely an emo kid and reminds me a bit of someone I used to know so it's all very nostalgic sort of comfort which is nice. I hope you're all able to find some pockets of comfort no matter how small through all of this. I will be blogging again very soon and finishing up some edits this week so look forward to a new video on my channel, I know I am. Till next post, Stay Home, Stay Safe. Stiles. |
AuthorNico Vazquez. Archives
September 2022
Categories |