I’m visiting a friend
His apartment is messier than my head And that’s saying something He doesn’t know how to cook because the stove is never on “It’s too hot to cook anyway” he tells me “It attracts flies” I will lean against his counter for hours Having a panic attack with a blank face while he makes sandwiches out of doll parts and shoves them into glass houses filled with smoke Everything is a visual if you look at it He compliments me on my self control while I chide him on his lack there of “Did you ever figure out who you are?” He’ll ask me the question like it’s simple while he holds the weight of it on his back There are too many people here Crowding the hallways So we never go out Simply sit inside and watch tv on his couch With me splayed at his feet and him chewing on the tips of his fingernails until they’re gone The tv is too loud and the neighbors will bang on the floors and the ceilings and the walls Telling us to shut up I’m delusional enough to think I’m having a good time And he will take his time with taking me home in the day The morning light never quite reaching this place I wish I had more and less of him He is confident and sure of himself but without ever looking in my direction While I refuse to look people in their eyes I’d tell him I love him but I’m not sure He’s an ass But I know that I’m worse He tells me he loves me anyway and I find it funny that he means it Ironic How two halves of the same whole can be so at odds I think I’d rather spend time with him then with myself but I know that doesn’t make sense The sentence the same thing while ripping itself apart Like me Like us Like this apartment I wish he had a cat for me to play with but instead I just play with the cuff of his jeans as Stranger Things’ theme song plays for the 11th hour tonight I wish him well But sometimes I think he’d drown if not for himself I think I do Sinking because I never learned how to swim Sick of the drought What if he never gets out of here I ask him “Do you ever wanna leave? Are you scared too?” And he shrugs “I’m not scared of anything” he says to me, looking up from the blood covered carpet “That’s the problem” I help him to clean up the mess His fingers turned to paintbrushes drawing acts of love He’d be lost without me and I don’t want to admit that I feel the same Twins in a breaking down womb I am a spiraling thing While he slides down the length of a fire pole Controlled only in the sense that he has given up on it I’d love to have that much freedom Maybe I only do in him Maybe I only will learn to fold myself rigid enough to stay still To not ruin everything I can’t ruin what I never let myself touch But he would run with matches through kerosene soaked leaves Smiling It’s a shame How one can split to two And never know how to put them back together without stabbing into the other’s jagged edges I’d love myself more if I couldn’t But the theme song just plays again
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In response to/inspired by the line in dogs! by Danez Smith
I took The stars From behind My eyes Moved them Across galaxies Across time Across us Too your heart Placed Them With care Into the crevices Of gunshot wounds Buried Them deep Deep Deep Deep enough I hope To stop the never-ending bleeding // I too Seen faces Of slave masters In teenage boys I love you's Been told You're beautiful Like only white lips Could Mean it Been placed In the shallows Of a bloody river And asked "Don't you dare drown" Not to drown Not to hurt Not to scream And read bone stark positions Of truths I don't believe Because mine Mine They cannot hear Me Me Me Me They cannot hear They cannot hear They call me // Call me dog Call me nigger Call me mutt I understand the dogs I hold them Clouser than people Because Because I too Been called boy And expected to come Come Heel |
AuthorNico Vazquez. Archives
September 2022
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