I’m a creator. Not because I want money or fame or a viral moment, and there’s nothing wrong with wanting those things, but because I don’t feel good when I don’t. I’ve never had a time in my life where I was not creating but I have had several times in my life where I was not creating much or I didn’t have the energy or the time and each of those times I’ve been just about the most depressed I’ve ever been. For those of you who don’t know, Hi. My name is Nico, and I have depression. And somedays the only thing that gets me through that is my creations, I write, I draw, I get it out the best way I know how. It’s something that leaves a space in me and I think I fill that space with my art.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about how I create and what. I’ve felt very disembodied, like I was looking out from the inside just trying to piece myself together. I had a lot of huge life things happen all in succession which kind of for lack of a better term left me with nothing in place. It forced me to look at myself and what I’m doing now and ask what makes me get up in the morning. I know, dramatic. It’s the only way I know how to be. I don’t obviously want to figure out the secrets to my life all right now, I don’t need that, but how I start this chapter? Who I am in this current moment? And when I asked myself those questions, and it did take some time, I started answering them by doing. Now, this isn’t my first time at the existential rodeo, and usually this is how I answer it, I just start moving forward. Funny enough I never really know where I’m trying to go until I’m on the bus. I’m not even really sure what I’m trying to say here. I’ve just started writing. So I started creating more. What do you do when you’re feeling existential? Well I try to make something out of it. I’ve started a YouTube, the same channel that I’ve wanted to have since I was a kid I’m finally actively creating. I’ve started a new blog, always loved that when I had my anon ones in Highschool. And I’m daily posting on all my socials. On top of I’ve been applying to more magazines with my poetry and photos and I’m working on my third poetry book. So I suppose my answer to how I want to move forward is that I want to create. And funny enough I’ve found I want to create in the same ways I’ve wanted for years, just new things that I never thought I could. It’s interesting the things you come back to, but isn’t that supposed to be a sign to keep them? The thing about me and creating is while I do it because I have to, because I love and I breathe it, I always feel like I’m in a competition, but not with other creators, while yeah I have my moments, I compare myself to others just like everybody else, but usually? I feel like I’m in a competition with myself. I’m just always trying to one up me and create the best work I ever have over and over and over. It always has to be bigger and better than the last thing I’ve done and while I guess it’s not all bad, for me personally I think I tend to stunt myself with that want. Because sometimes the thing I’m making is just as good as the last thing or sometimes I want to make something simpler or I get to thinking what will be the highest I can reach? You know like what do I do if this is the best that I can make? I like kill myself in this competition to be better than me and sometimes it keeps me from appreciating the things that I do. Like nothing really feels like an accomplishment because that goalpost keeps moving before I’ve even gotten a long enough look to know what colour the flag is. And I don’t want it to be like that obviously. I’ve tried to make an effort lately to really just take a secound to be proud of my work before I compare it to see if it’s gotten as good a reaction as my last post or if the editing is visibly better or if it’s a more extravagant idea than the last thing I did and just sit with the fact that I did something. I made a thing exist. And as artists especially now you know in the time of social media artistry and me being a content creator, we move so fast to get things out and to keep up with algorithms and to give our audiences new material that we don’t really give ourselves enough credit to sit with the fact it’s just cool as hell that you made a thing. This thing didn’t exist before and then you just did it. There’s something beautiful in creation no matter what it is, I mean the word creator is religious. It means something. I definitely don’t see myself slowing down anytime soon. I actually think that because of all this introspection and existentialism I’ll be creating a lot more, I mean art is how I process all this whether it looks like that’s what I’m doing or not. But I do wanna take more time to appreciate that. I know that a lot of you who follow me and definitely a lot of you who read my blog are also artists and really I feel like everyone is an artist in someway or refusing themselves the credit they deserve for something or other so I hope if you read this far and you feel emotions about it, that you start trying to give yourself a little more credit and the room to appreciate your mortal divinity aswell. And I’ll keep trying to appreciate the me that I am trying to be better than. Until Next Time. Signing Off, Stiles
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8/18/2022 0 Comments If You Must Go: Poem by StilesI tried to steal some serotonin from the sun
Laid in the scolding warmth till my back burned Much too shy to face it I pretended not to know what words meant That they meant anything at all Life is easier without meaning Just much less like life Just much less worth it I damned the stars They’re too bright But not enough like the sun Not enough Not enough |
AuthorNico Vazquez. Archives
September 2022
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